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bedbugs.

Jul. 6th, 2010 | 10:55 pm

its a sad day when you realise the person you were trying to be and thought you were is an enormous lie. its also incredible to know what a couple of weeks with some time to think will show you. i always thought i was plain jane jones, just some innocent bystander in someones tragedy. i figured it out, im accountable. i never realised til now that i get as cruel and jaded as the rest of them, im just another dan wolf. and he was so boring.

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a story of courage

May. 21st, 2010 | 09:01 pm

even though its been a whole year, and probably a long time before that when you really think about it, everything seems clearer now than it did at the time.
you said leap and the net will appear. you spoke about how to be brave and strong and proud and how important it is to keep on top of everything. which seems pretty redundant, when you look at everything all up, you know what i mean. but who was braver than you. some people are dragged away kicking and screaming but you ran towards it. into the greater unknown all alone. brave enough to decide and strong enough to follow through.

and even though you told me to be smart and be wild and be creative and peaceful and earn money but enjoy myself and in the end i totally crashed out and will never be any of those things or ever feel inspired by anything ever again, youve done well by me. really well.

and even though this is much too little and far far too late, i hope one day i can be half as strong and brave, just like you, and i hope one day i can look at my life and make big decisions and take everything as it comes. because even though things are different now. youll always be the bravest person i will ever know.

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(no subject)

May. 17th, 2010 | 10:34 pm

i know i dont get out much, and i give pretty short answers to important questions and get totally long winded about stuff that doesnt matter, im just really exhausted.
my life is already over, and i cant even pick when it started.

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(no subject)

Oct. 12th, 2009 | 08:28 pm

so i keep having these weird dreams about how you're still around or you're not around, youknow how it all goes. either it's something bad or something good but i wake up miserable either way. and i thought this was all about as bad as i could possibly feel, because waking up from it is you leaving all over again. then one night i had my normal dreams, about something stupid and you weren't mentioned, you weren't even on my mind.
when i woke up, i realized you had left me in a totally different way this time. it hurt like crazy.

somethings are out of our control though, so i scrub the shower and make sure everything here is shiny and clean. at least i can keep that how i want it to be.

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(no subject)

Sep. 24th, 2009 | 07:50 pm

i dont know why we're so unhappy. maybe this is whats meant by hard work. but i dont know, i used to be able to know what every mannerism meant, and know i dont get it anymore. everythings scary and could mean something bad.
im tired.

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(no subject)

Aug. 9th, 2009 | 11:00 pm

I guess I'm just really stupid.


I wrote and deleted this a thousand times over. I got nothing, no more words. I guess it must've been a trick of the light or something making me think I saw you today. Or I am totally tearing myself apart over everything thats happened this year.

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(no subject)

Jun. 6th, 2009 | 10:48 pm

Sometimes something can be such a big thing to take in you don't feel any of it, right. Like maybe your protecting youself from some reality that you might not actually be strong enough to handle, no matter how okay everything else is. Or maybe the day, week or even hour before it happened just seemed so good that this thing just can't be right, so you shut it out without even knowing you have.

But your mind is only so strong and your body doesn't work well either. So pretty soon you're so angry and not sleeping and I can't figure out what's going on, or how everything flipped over, or just seemed to take one big step to the left so quickly.

But everyone else knows. So I sat straring at the candles and the flowers and the pictures and then I realized this all happened, this funny bad dream is totally real and I can't just throw myself into something, or be too preoccupied to understand, everything, my whole life will be different to the pictures I set aside in my head.

And everyones talking like they knew it for longer than me and like they're waiting for me to show some sincerity but I gotta tell ya, even though I can feel every bit it can't be real. Real life wouldn't turn around on you like that. But when I sit and look at the flowers and candles and pictures, it has to be. That little hole in my heart sags and widens, and I know the rest of my life will be different to how I planned, how I wanted, and its totally out of my control.
But that's it, everythings changed. And all these people looking at me expectantly know it too.

And I have no idea how to handle this one. You didn't leave any instructions.

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(no subject)

May. 29th, 2009 | 09:37 pm

So I just went ahead and ran out worlds, didn't I?

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honestly.

Apr. 29th, 2009 | 06:44 pm

i am amazingly average and plain. but i have a brilliant imagination

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Stop pretending like there's nothing here to hold you anymore.

Apr. 28th, 2009 | 08:22 pm

So I assume that sometimes we are actually meant to be lonely and a little bit clueless. We're suposed to fuck up omething that only really matters to us anyway and have someone who is just outright better step in and fix it, we're suposed to wonder what the fuck shit is being spoken about you even when deep down you know you havn't done anything to warrant gossip or that sort of hate people feel to you to back up someone elses undeserved fustrations. With the amount of unhappy people around, I really believe that we are meant to feel this. We should be lost, and we should be cold, and this bed should feel enormous and the future should really scare us.
Really, if what's average is what's right then our wallets should be empty and our mouths should be speaking without really saying much that matters. Those painful silences should stretch and you should see people and always think "Yeah I don't really know them anymore."
We are rightly in our place when we are unsatisfied, lost for words and feeling something that could go either way. And that's normality, so that's all well and good and totally what we should learn to deal with already.
And you know what, if all of us unsatisfied, deserving people get together, I'm sure one us would find the courage to change what's normal, even for them.

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